Behind the Walls of HQ
by svvanmills
Summary: Haven't you ever wondered what happens in Central City Headquaters? These were some of the untold stories... When I say this is rated T, it's rated STRONGLY. Criticism is taken, flaming is ignored!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is a serious, crack, humorous, insane, angsty, whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it fic. There will be times where you wonder how I came up with such a weird idea. This is pretty much my place to post FMA characters doing things I imagine in my mind. You have been warned. Yes, that's what most people say when you step into a crack fic, but I'm serious about this. My insane friends think I'm insane. By the way, most of these chapters will probably be RoyAi- mostly because I'm obsessed with it. **

**Disclaimer: Of course I do- *looks at lawyers* ... don't. ):**

The day was turning bright with a new sun appearing, and the trees were blooming, birds were singing... And Roy Mustang was stuck in his office, doing paperwork. It was around 6 A.M. in the morning, and he already wanted to go home! Paperwork is such a bitch. Why can't it just do itself? Life would be so much easier.

Tapping his pen on his desk, he sighed. No one else was here yet! He had woken up pretty early that morning, which was a rare one. It'd probably be more likely that Hawkeye would be late than he being early.

And Hawkeye hasn't been late once.

Speak of the devil and he'll come. The door creaked open and Lieutenant Hawkeye walked in. She went to the light switch to see that the lights were already on. "Sir?" she asked. "You're here early?"

A smirk grew on his face. "Of course! Why shouldn't I be the one to make sure everything is in order once in a while?"

She answered with a, "Because, Sir, you'd probably mess it up somehow." Mustang made a fake pout and she just rolled her eyes, sitting at her desk and starting to do her own paperwork, Black Hayate watching guard beside her.

Damn! Now he had to do his _own_ paperwork. But, it looked so boring... One day, when he was Fuhrer, he wouldn't have to do any paperwork! _And_ there would be woman in miniskirts! More importantly, Lieutenant Hawkeye in a miniskirt... Roy Mustang was certainly a thigh kind of man.

Four men, Kain Fuery, Heymans Breda, Vato Falman, and Jean Havoc, all walked in and plopped down on their desks. Black Hayate stared at them all, looking to see if they could be near his mistress. Breda noticed this and sweatdropped. He started scribbling his signatures on paper, trying to ignore the monster in front of him.

Mustang look at his own paperwork. Hmm. Suddenly a paw stepped right on his boot. It didn't hurt him, but he was certainly surprised. Black Hayate came sniffing around the inside of his desk. He barked, meaning he probably found something valuable, and went to a corner to chew on it. Havoc, also noticing Hayate had found a treasure went to go see what it was. His eyes widened as he pulled a black, lacy bra from the dog's clutches. "So, it seems Colonel likes kinky office sex..."

As hard to admit as it was, Mustang's cheeks turned the slightest bit pink. Who's bra _was_ that? Suddenly, as if it had been a dream, he remembered the reason he had been early in the first place. _He had never left the office._ He found out the owner of the bra, too.

It had been... Oh shit. Oh. Oh shit. The though kept running through his mind. _Shit shit shit..._

"So Colonel?" Havoc's snicker brought him back from his vulgar thoughts. "You know who has this bra?" Mustang caught a glimpse of Hawkeye. She was scribbling on paperwork, be he swore he could see her hand shaking, just the tiniest bit. Looked like she had remembered, too... Yep. He had done sex with Hawkeye last night.

Yep. Pretty much. "Colonel, you won't speak? Scared?" Havoc taunted, waving the bra in his face.

"Scared? No! I just... I don't wanna say it, that's all." Mustang shoved Havoc's arm out of the way and continued working. Sign, get another paper, glance at it, sign. Even though Mustang usually had no idea what the paper was about, he didn't want to accidentally sign a declaration for war or something.

Havoc completely ignored his request and went around the room, saying(more like yelling), "Mustang has a secret girlfriend! Mustang has a secret girlfriend!" Mustang mumbled some words his adoptive mother surely wouldn't approve of, and took a quick, nonchalant glance at the lieutenant. Her cheeks had turned just a bit pink. He noticed the way her hair shined in the sunlight, and you could see just a few hairs out of order...

Havoc noticed the way his superior was looking at Hawkeye. Then he looked to the bra. To Mustang. Bra. Mustang. Bra. Mustang in a bra? Eew, that's disgusting. He shoved that thought out of his head.

Mustang.

Bra.

Mustang staring at Hawkeye. He looked to see what he was worrying about. Wait, was Hawkeye... blushing? She almost never blushes... Unless... Havoc, for once, got an idea in his head. Maybe because he had been conveniently standing under the lights, or his brains actually decided to work the day, or whatever, but this idea he had gotten, it was _good._ He just couldn't help it! A laugh escaped his lungs. This was just _too_ funny. He set the bra down on the Colonel's desk, right smack dab in the middle of his paperwork that he was supposedly doing.

Mustang groaned and glared at Havoc. "What do you want?" Havoc laughed. "Why are you laughing?"

Havoc bent down in Mustang's ear and barely whispered, "So, how was the lieutenant last night?" Even though it wasn't audible to someone a foot away, Mustang heard every word, and his face turned a pasty white. His hands were shaking, and he dropped his pen. It rolled in the direction of Black Hayate. He sniffed it in disinterest.

"So, does that mean I was right?" Havoc smirked. Mustang didn't answer. "I'm going to take that as a yes." Mustang groaned and slammed his head on his desk, making some papers fly on the floor while doing so.

"Um, Colonel, I think that kills brain cells..." Fuery murmured.

"And they _don't_ grow back," Hawkeye added.

"So, Havoc, who'd Mustang do last night?" Breda wondered. Havoc snickered, and Mustang glared at him.

"Well, seeing as Mustang'll probably kill me if I tell you... Figure it out on your own." The other men moaned as a complaint.

Up until lunch, the men would look at each other, as if speaking in some code, and would then go back to work. When the grandfather clock on the dresser chimed for noon, the men got up and zoomed out.

"So who was it, Havoc?" Falman asked.

Havoc smiled. "Are you _sure_ you wanna know?"

"Duh!"

"You sure?"

"Yes, Havoc."

"Absolutely su-"

"Yes, Havoc! Now spit it out!"

Havoc leaned in, and so did the other men. They walked a little slower. "It was... _Lieutenant Hawkeye_." Hearing what Havoc had said, Fuery tripped over his own foot and wounded up tasting tile, Falman dropped his coffee mug ("And it was from my mom, too!"), and Breda just stared at Havoc, mouth wide open until he started to drool.

Fuery rubbed his head and sat up. "You... You sure it was her?"

"Aww, is Fuery upset about his crush being with the Colonel?" Havoc cooed.

"I-I don't like her like _that_!" Fuery stuttered, his cheeks turning a bight red.

"So... What are we gonna do about this?" Falman asked, bending down to pick up the pieces of his cup.

"I don't know... Let's think about it over lunch." The men walked to the cafeteria.

Back at the office...

"So, uh, Lieutenant."

"Sir."

"You do realize-"

"I do, Sir."

"Should we start talking about it... now?"

"No, Sir, I'd like to wait until after work."

"Okay! Does that mean it's a da-"

"No, Sir." There was a moment of silence,

"Sir..."

"Hmm?"

"Can I, um... have my bra back?"

"Huh? Oh! Yeah! Sure..."

**So, how'd you like it? I had this in my mind for a while, so... I also have the perfect idea for the next chapter! Sadly, though... It's probably going to make this story rated M. D: Urgh. I kind of wanted to avoid that. Oh well. My mind is rated M, so I guess this makes the story rated M. R and R! Don't flame! Have a happy new year! Don't die, that would be horrible... Thinking about that, wouldn't it be cool if you had a baby born on 12/21/12? That would be epic.**

**Anyway, adios! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello and welcome back! Or not. Maybe. Who knows? Anyway, **_**this chapter might be rated M**_**. If you haven't had 'The Talk' with your parents, I suggest leaving now. Go to the next chapter(if there is one), it doesn't matter. Wait, if you don't know the talk, then how did you read chapter one…? Anyway, I seriously hope I don't COMEPLETELY SUCK at writing the part. Of course, I've read millions of things like this, but it's different when you're actually writing one… I'm pretty nervous. Don't blame it if it's bad, okay?**

**Disclaimer: No owning FMA for meeee. D:**

Edward Elric was pissed. Of course, he's usually pissed, but today had been a horrible day for him. First, his automail engineer had demanded him to drink the white vomit known as milk, and then she has the guts to call him short! Then as he was walking down the street, a man asked him if he knew where his mother was. What was he, a kid? Well, yeah, but a kid that could kick ass! He didn't need anyone watching over him like he was an infant. And then Colonel Shitface (his nickname for the day) wanted him to come by for an inspection. An inspection for _what_? He walked in the halls, his arms crossed and a vein or two popping out of his forehead.

Al, clanking behind him, stopped him by the shoulder. "Brother, you shouldn't get so angry! The man didn't mean anything by it!"

Ed huffed. "Yeah, right! He though I was, like, nine or something!"

"Brother, I don't think…" Al sighed when he saw his older brother wasn't listening.

"I wonder what kind of inspection Colonel Shitface wanted anyway!" Ed and Al turned a corner.

"Brother! Don't talk about the Colonel that way!" Al gasped. "You should be kinder towards him!"

Ed stubbornly rolled his eyes and stopped by the door. "Al, you wait here. I'll go by myself." His brother nodded and stood outside the doorway, like a guard.

Ed closed his eyes, opened the door, strolled in, and closed it back. "Hey, Colonel Shi- What the FUCK?" He opened his eyes and saw…

The Colonel and another woman… _naked. And reproducing._ The woman's back was to him, and it was filled with ink tattoos and burns. He saw both bodies tense up. Ed was too stunned to cover his eyes. "What the… fuck…" he repeated.

Mustang's eyes looked surprised. "F-Fullmetal! What are you… doing here?"

"I don't know… Maybe coming for the _inspection_ you asked me to come for? What are _you_ doing? Why is there a whore in your office?" Ed glanced away and looked at the wall. It was a very nice wall, mostly made up of bumps from the paint job and bullet holes made by procrastination. _Pretty wall, please make me forget what I just saw, _he though desperately.

Mustang's voice was filled with anger. "She is _not_ a whore!"

Ed rolled his eyes out of habit. "Yeah, and I wonder what Lieutenant Hawkeye would do if she saw you now, doing _this_ in the office." There was an awkward moment of silence.

"Can you, um… look away, so we can, you know… clothes…" Mustang started.

"What do you think I'm doing _now_, dumbass! Can you just hurry up? You're such a bastard, you know that? I-" There was a click of a gun, and Ed dared to look. The woman was holding a military uniform to her chest, and even though her back was still to Ed's, he knew who it was and almost peed his pants.

"I suggest you follow the Colonel's orders and turn around without speaking a word."

"Lieu… Lieutenant?" Ed said, stunned. He remembered Havoc saying something about 'sexual tension' and 'knife', but he didn't expect… He turned around without a word, and started whimpering.

Back outside the door, Al was wondering what all the screaming was about. Had his brother been injured in the office? It wasn't the first time. There was one time where he walked out with a stapler attached to his head, and a mustache drawn on his face with a marker… Al decided to go in, even if it didn't follow his brother's request.

He came in to see Ed making horrified sounds in a corner, the Colonel tying his shoe shirtless, and Lieutenant Hawkeye putting on her military jacket, her hair down. "What happened?" he asked curiously.

"You don't want to know, Al. You really don't want to know…" Ed whispered creepily.

Al cocked his head. "No, really, what happened? Why are you putting your clothes on? Did it become hot in the room? Did the air conditioner stop working or something? It's in the middle of October…"

Ed suddenly remembered a time Al had found some cats in the old alley near Teacher's meat shop. The cats had been, well, humping, and Al didn't seem to have a problem with it. Maybe... "Al?"

"Yeah brother?"

"Did Mom ever… give you the talk?" Ed asked.

"Brother, I don't know what you're talking about." His suspicion had been correct. Their mother had died when Al was pretty young, after all.

Luckily, both officers had put everything back on. The Colonel looked at Ed, who had gone out of the corner to his brother. "You mean he has no idea what you're talking about?"

"Apparently not… Can the inspection be tomorrow?" Ed looked at the Colonel.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Just… knock next time?" Ed nodded vigorously and zoomed out of the door, grabbing Al's thick metal wrist with him. He slammed the door and walked with Al.

"So, Brother, what do you need to talk to me about?" Al asked.

Ed looked around, making sure no one would be able to hear them clearly. "Well, you see Al, when a man and a woman like each other _a lot_…" He explained everything vividly to his younger brother.

"So when we saw those two cats in the alley…" Ed nodded.

"Hey, Brother?"

"Yeah Al?"

"Does this mean that Mustang and Hawkeye like each other a lot?"

"Yeah, but don't say that in front of them. They're too damn stubborn to admit it to each other."

"… Ed?"

"What, Al?" Ed sighed, cowlick flying. His brother sure was curious today.

"Does that mean when you were screaming, that…"

"Yes, Al. Never speak of it again."

"I sure wasn't planning to!"

"Yeah, but maybe… You think we should use it as blackmail, Al? Or worse… We could tell Hughes!"

"Brother, let them have their privacy! And you know what, you really _do_ need to learn to knock!"

**Heh. Hope I didn't do badly on that. Do you think it should be rated M or T? This is really the only chapter that will be like this, so I don't know. This will probably be the most explicit chapter there is. Anyway, I hope you liked it! I actually updated TWICE in one day! /gasp **

**R and R, don't flame, don't die! Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a fairly short chapter, mostly because I've typed it out quite a while ago! If you know me (aka Mai over there), then you've already read this. I wanted this to be my fourth chapter, but my parents are only letting me on TWO HOURS A DAY. D: Noooooo, the horror! Anyway, I actually have a name for this chapter! I call it 'Innuendoes'. Teehee! Now, if you don't know what an innuendo is, here's an example:**

**Hawkeye: Fuck you, Mustang!**

**Mustang: Pretty please?**

**Not only is this example extremely funny, but it's easy to imagine! So, an innuendo is pretty much a statement to if you have a dirty mind, it relates to the nasty. Now, let's do the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: Hmm. Have Hawkeye and Mustang been married and blessed with children yet? Then I certainly do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Sadly. Very sadly. NO, AUTOCORRECT, I DON'T CARE THAT THAT'S A SENTENCE FRAGMENT. /ahem**

Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye were in trouble.

"Sir, it's stuck!"

"I know it's stuck, Lieutenant, it's mine."

"I told you not to stick it in there, Sir!"

"I was trying to clean it?"

"With that? It's too big!"

"Sorry..."

The lieutenant sighed. "Just help me try to get it out." They tugged in opposite direction.

Roy moaned. "Ow, be careful! I can't replace this!"

"I'm sure you can live without it, Sir."

"Never!"

Maes, who was at the door listening to the entire conversation, couldn't help but giggle like a school girl. In the office? With the Lieutenant? It was pretty hard to believe.

"Sir, pull harder!"

"I TOLD YOU IT'S STUCK!"

"It's your fault! The hole is too tight for something that large to fit in!"

"I was trying to help..."

"You weren't helping, sir."

Maes was holding his hand to his mouth to contain his laughter.

"Come on, please try and take care of it!"

Maes couldn't help himself and burst through the door. "And to believe that you two would... Wait, what?" Maes was dumbfounded.

Roy looked at him. "What else did you expect it to be? Now can you help me get my finger out the Lieutenant's gun? It's attached to my glove!"

**Well, there you have it. It's short, but when I showed it to my friends, every one of them burst out laughing. So, hope you like! R/R cause you love me!**

**Not like that…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh my gosh. **_**Oh my gosh.**_** I have five reviews and three chapters. DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS MEANS.**

**It means that there's more than one review a chapter! YES! Anyway, I've decided to tune this chapter down a bit, since writing such things as in last chapters made me feel awkward. xD So, let's go with the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: I don't even know three words in Japanese. So I don't own it. Sadly…**

It was supposed to be a normal day.

At least, this is what Colonel Mustang thought when he asked Ed if he wanted to go to the petting zoo.

"What?" the ignorant teen had shrieked, "What do you think I am, nine?" He then decided to flip his chair over and kick the desk Mustang was sitting in. He then crouched over in pain, as he kicked the desk with his right foot.

"Not at all, Fullmetal!" the officer countered quickly. "I just thought you need a break, that's all!"

"More like _you_ need a break!" Ed huffed. Okay, so he had caught him there. In all honesty, he needed to get out of the monstrous pile of paperwork he had been assigned to by none other than First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. Paperwork was one of his biggest (and most annoying) enemies. He would not be defeated today!

"Oh, but Fullmetal, I heard they just built a new llama exhibit," spoke the Colonel, trying to sound as excited as possible. Ed froze at the word 'llama'.

"Oh no," Al whispered, "Here he comes…"

Ed was suddenly interested in the window. "Carl…"

"Carl?" Mustang wondered aloud.

"Yes, Brother had a pet llama named Carl once, but then he bit Brother's hand and ran away. He doesn't like to talk about it," Al answered for his brother, who was staring nostalgically outside.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" asked Ed impatiently. "We're going to the petting zoo!" The door opened (as if by magic), and Lieutenant Hawkeye stood in the frame, tapping a military boot.

"Petting zoo?" she sighed. "What are you up to this time?"

"Ed wants to go to the petting zoo!" Mustang exclaimed.

"To find my llama!" Ed followed up.

Hawkeye sighed. "I better come with you in case you decide to blow something up…"

Mustang pumped his fist and kicked his leg. "Let's go!" Everyone stared at him weirdly, but walked outside to the car.

During the car ride, there was one helmet knocking on the head, at least fifty short jokes, following fifty loud screeches and tantrums, and at least one bloody nose when Mustang noticed Lieutenant Hawkeye stretch as she took off her military jacket, commenting how it was hot. The car almost swerved and hit a tree, but Mustang blamed it on allergies. Ed almost crawled into his brother's armor out of fear.

"Allergies my ass," he murmured, looking out the window. "… Hey! We're here!"

Al shouted in glee and opened the door… forgetting that the care was still going, and at a fast speed at that. The cheap door was ripped of its hinges and probably rolled off into an alleyway somewhere. Al sweatdropped, while Ed screamed like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert and held onto his brother's arm for dear life. "Oh, Colonel! I'm sorry…"

The Colonel chuckled nervously. "It's okay, the paint job sucked anyway…"

If armor could blush, Al's entire face would have been red. A rushing noise was coming from the gaping hole in the car, as Mustang was still driving. He turned a corner and parked the car near the petting zoo. Al and Ed stepped out, with no need to open a door. Ed was about to fix the car with his alchemy, in a pose to clap until Mustang stopped him.

"What are you doing, Mustang?" Ed peeved. "I'm actually trying to help you for once! What if someone stole the car?" Al whimpered at the thought.

"It's okay," the colonel reassured. "It's the military's; I'll just get a new one!"

Hawkeye grabbed her military jacket out of the passenger seat and was about to slip it on when her superior asked, "Hey? I thought you said you were warm, Lieutenant."

"Yes, well, I've changed my mind. It's getting chilly." Mustang pouted while Ed snickered. Mustang then proceeded to give Ed his best death glare, but it looked more pathetic with a pouts on his lips. Ed laughed harder. Mustang sighed and grabbed Ed by the sleeve of his red jacket.

"Come on," he muttered. Al and Hawkeye followed.

They entered through an arch, spread across were the words, "Central Zoo" in wood-patterned text. Al wanted to stop by the cats' section, but Ed pleaded and all of them were dragged off to where the llamas were. When they got there, everyone but Ed noticed the strong smell of manure. Well, Al couldn't notice it either, but he had to lift his ignorant brother up from stepping in some.

"Hey!" he'd screamed, "Stop picking me up like I'm a baby or something!" The younger sibling sighed and let him down. Ed ran to the nearest crate and looked around. "Carl?" he called. "Carlll!"

Mustang rolled his eyes. "You really think a llama will just reply to you?"

"He always came when I called, for your information!" Ed huffed. "Carl!"

Mustang made a 'pffft' noise and decided to ignore the brat. He took out a phone number a girl had given to him when he met her at the bar a few nights ago. Ed saw this and said, "So, you got another number from a slutty girl who only likes you for power? You know, she doesn't really like you."

Mustang was surprised how deep Ed had been, but brushed it off and retorted back, "Stop calling the girls I date that!" He was waving his hands in the air, and it caught a goat's attention span, so the goat put his mouth on the Colonel's hand and ate the sip of parchment he had been holding. Slobber consumed Mustang's arm. "Hey!"

"Looks like the goat agrees with me!" Ed laughed. Then he became serious. "You, know, Mustang… Haven't you ever considered being with the Lieutenant before?" The question brought a slightly darker hue to Mustang's face, and he dared to look at the woman beside him. She had taken her gun out and was pointing at Ed. The expression on her face looked like she would mentally face palm for eternity.

"Ed, I suggest you let the topic go." Her stoic voice made Ed flinch a little, but he ignore it.

"But I think it'd be-"

"Don't make me use my gun, Ed."

"You wouldn't-" The blast of a lead bullet clinking onto the automail arm of Ed made him scream.

"Next time, my shot won't be for metal."

Ed swallowed. "Yes ma'am!" Mustang snickered. A bullet shot near his foot and he squeaked. Ed almost laughed at him, but decided quickly not to. He went back to his search.

"Carl? Carl! Where are you, Carl?"

Mustang sighed and grabbed Ed by the collar of his red jacket. "You know, if all we're going to do is sit here and watch you come for a llama that _won't _come, we're going back to Central!"

"To do paperwork?"

"…" Mustang was silent. He started to grumble words under his breath and drag Ed out of the section where the llamas were.

Ed realized Mustang was serious about leaving, and cried out, "No! I have to see Carl! You can't do this to me!" All of his words were spoken to the wind. They got back in the car, Al shielding the gaping hole he had created, and they rode back to Central in peace.

"I can't believe you would do something like this to me you bastard! Get my hopes up and then crush them! And now we have to go ba- AHH! Lieutenant! Please don't try shooting there! That's the only thing I live for!"

"You should stop you complaining. And if your manhood is all you have to live for, I suggest getting a new life plan."

"Haha, Fullmetal Shortstack got bur- Ah! Don't shoot me there either! Mine's actually more than an inch long!"

"How would you know how big my thingy is?"

"…Thingy? And I just assumed, with you being short and all."

"Bastard!"

Well, almost.

**That was a lot of words! Yay! Anyway… I promised I would put this in for a friend (Well, more like she said, "You should put this on Fanfiction! Say it reminds you of Mustang because of fire or something!"), but yeah. Enjoy.**

**So this was a couple years ago, and my friend was turning 10/11 (can't remember which), and she invited us to go to an Olympic Gold place thing. A gymnastics party. The foam cubes were fun! But my friend's mom had just met me for the first time there. And me, being high on cake and punch, told her step-by-step of how to burn a house down. Actually, now that I think about, we had food after the playing… Well, let's just say that I creped her mom out. She said that when I let, her mom gave her a confusing look, so she pointed at me and said, "Yeah, that's Lauren."**

**So. There's one of my life stories. Yippee! Remember, R/R! (By the way, R/R means review :D)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Back and ready to crack! Wait, that sounded wrong… So does being in your friend's room when you hear someone scream, "LET'S SMOKE SOME BIG ASS POT!" in the kitchen.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own FMA or The Morning After by A Bird a Sparrow ): sigh.**

Ed came rushing in the door, holding a humming contraption the size of a clipboard. "Guys, look what I found!" he panted.

Havoc looked him and asked, "What the heck _is_ that?"

Mustang, not looking up from his paperwork, wondered, "Can it do blowjobs?"

A vein popped out of Ed's forehead. "Did you even LOOK at it?" Mustang averted his eyes from his work.

"I see. Do you know what it does?"

Ed shook his head. "I found it on a hill, near a tree. It looked cool so I took it." He set it on Mustang's desk and opened it. "It looks like a portable typewriter!" He pressed a button. It whizzed to life as the screen became bright.

"Ai! Get that thing off of my desk!" Mustang screeched.

"No! I want to see what it does! Hey, what's this?" He pushed a button below the typewriter part, and it made a 'click' sound. "Hmmm, I think this is the 'select' button. Maybe this is how you move it?" he asked, rubbing his finger right above the select button. When he did, it moved in the same direction as a white arrow did. "And this must be a cursor!"

"So what is it?" Mustang rapped his fingers against the oak of his desk impatiently.

"Like I said, I have no idea! But let's use it anyway. Hey, what's this?" He clicked, and the cursor showed something. It was filled with many stories. The entire group, even Hawkeye, inched closer.

", unleash your imagination," Hawkeye read aloud from the top left corner. Everyone's eyes were glued to what Ed was doing. Something caught Roy's eye especially.

"Hey, look! That has my name on it!" He shoves Ed out of the way and clicked on it. It was titled 'Roy Mustang's Love'.

"What? LOVE?" Ed started laughing. "Like _you'd_ fall in love!" He fell on his knees laughing. Roy mumbled something under his breath and took Ed's finding to a corner in the room. He sat on a chair and started to read it.

"What do you think it is?" Havoc whispered.

"Who knows? And why would this thing know about the Colonel?" Fuery wondered. No one kept their eyes off of the man reading in the corner. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he stared. He started shaking.

"Sir?" Hawkeye asked, rushing to his side.

"No!" Mustang shouted. "Don't get near me!" This was unlike him. Usually, he'd be glad that she would come. Hawkeye quickly backed away, but still watched him. Mustang started to whimper.

"… Do you want me to take it back?" Ed asked. Mustang handed to him.

"I'm never reading that again…" Ed took it and set it down on his lap, right in front of the chair. He started reading.

"So, what was it about?" Breda directed to Mustang. He was curled up in the chair, hugging his legs.

"I'm not telling!"

Ed screamed. Everyone stared at him. "What the hell is this?"

"I told you not to read it, pipsqueak!"

"Hey, I just wanted to- Who are you calling PIPSQUEAK?" Hawkeye grabbed the portable typewriter thing from Ed's grasp as the two men started to spit comments at each other.

"Are _you_ gonna read it?" Fuery looked at Hawkeye.

"Of course, it's probably just something they're too immature to take seriously." She picked it up carefully and took it to her desk. She laid it down on the hard, wooden surface and began reading.

"Asshole!"

"At least I'm not short!"

"At least I'm not a bastard!"

"I can come up with better comebacks!"

"Then what was that, the appetizer?"

Falman stepped in between the two, who were literally pulling hair at each other. Mustang even has a bloody lip. "Okay, you guys need to stop. You're getting out of hand." Mustang huffed and sat in his chair, while Ed just got up and neared Hawkeye. She was peering at the screen. Her eyes then widened as she grabbed her gun and almost shot the contraption, before Ed took away her gun.

"No!" he yelled. "I know it's horrible, but don't break that! This could make history!" Hawkeye ignored Ed's plea and got another pistol, shooting the thing until she ran out of ammo. She then dropped the gun and rested her head in her hands.

"Aww, I wanted to read that, too!" Havoc complained, but he quickly changed his mind with the glare Lieutenant Hawkeye gave him.

"So… What was it about?" Fuery asked. Ed looked at Mustang, and then Hawkeye. He quietly whispered the answer in his ear. Fuery's eyes widened and his cheeks rose in heat. "W… What?"

"You told him?" Mustang squeaked.

"Um, well, he asked…" Ed stared at his boot.

"Ooh, can I know?" Havoc asked excitedly.

"NO!" everyone that knew about it shouted.

"Well…"

Mustang got up from his seat. "I'm going to… go to the bathroom." He left.

"I need to hand in some paperwork." So did Hawkeye.

"I, uh, ran out of coffee!" Fuery took his obviously full mug and ran out of the room. Seeing as Ed was the only one who knew that was left in the room, Havoc, Falman, and Breda stared at him.

"So? You told Fuery!"

"Well, I, um…" Ed bit his lip, nervous. Ed was never nervous.

"Oh, come on!" Havoc threw his hands in the air. "Let us know!"

Ed shook his head and ran out of the room. Havoc sighed and went toward the thing everyone had read it from. He pushed a button, and nothing happened. "Aww, looks like it's broken."

"Now how are we gonna find out?"

"Fuery'll probably tell it if we blackmail him…" Havoc stroked his chin with a thumb and index finger.

"But how?"

"That's the question…"

**Haha, there you go! You can imagine what you think they read on fanfiction. Of course, only my thought would technically make it real. XD That makes me feel powerful… Oh, and if you couldn't figure it out, it was a laptop Ed found. It's only around 1916 or around there, so laptops hadn't been invented yet. :)**

**R/R!**


	6. Chapter 6

**WHAT WHAT, WHAT WHAT, THROW IT UP, THROW IT UP, JUST DON'T GIVE A… Wait, what are you doing here?**

**Anyway, it's 11:30 at night and I can't get to bed on a school night. Curse you, three day weekends! Though, thanks for the extra day... But you still made me 'forget' about my essay. Like seriously. Now I have to write it in black ink. . If I were to tell my mom about an essay before the day it was due, she'd probably lock me up in my room!**

**Disclaimer: Eh, nope, don't own anything. Except my amazing brain- that must be where the ideas are coming from, right?**

As Ed and Al were walking down the corridors of HQ, no one noticed how Al was acting. He was worried, and if he has been human, his eyebrows would be scrunched up and he would be sweating buckets. Of course, if Al had been human, he wouldn't have around 15-20 cats in his armor, either. Humans weren't hollow. It was raining heavily outside, what else was he supposed to do? Leave those poor kitties out there to just, well, get wet? No, Al couldn't, so he took the poor creatures and hid him in the safe haven called Alphonse Elric, suit of armor.

Every time his brother saluted a soldier higher in rank, he prayed, _Please don't meow! _As they turned a corner and walked into Colonel Mustang's office, he thought, _Please don't meow!_ And when they sat down to talk, the logical part of him thought, _What in the world will you do with these cats?_ Oh no, logical Al was right? What _would_ he do with them?

The gears in his mind clicked as he caught a glimpse at the youngest of the Mustang squad, Kain Fuery. Fuery, just like him, adored animals and would do anything to give them three meals a day. So after Ed and the Colonel talked, well, more like threw insults at each other to see who had the better comebacks, his older brother than stomped off and Mustang went into his office. Al lifted himself up carefully, trying not to disturb the animals inside of him, and tapped Fuery on the shoulder.

Fuery looked up from the radio he was working on and asked, "Yes, what would you like Al?"

Al looked around, cupped his leather hand around the man's ear and whispered softly, "I have some kittens in my armor, and I was wondering if you could help me take care of them…"

Fuery's eyes widened. "Of course!" he quietly spoke back, "Where would you like it to be?"

Al's logical side had taken a vacation today. He had no idea! He thought of the first place in his mind. "I was… thinking the library!"

"That's a great idea! Here, let's go now, seeing as you…" Al nodded.

"Colonel Mustang, can I please, uh… check to see if my armor is rusting?" Al asked. He got no answer. The door to his private office was cracked, why couldn't he hear him? He clambered over to the entrance and let in a little more light into the dark room. The Colonel sat there, in the middle of a nap. Drool was hanging off from the corner of his lip, threatening to drop onto the blue collar of his uniform. A slight snore escaped his lips. "Oh, you're asleep. Never mind…"

Al stepped out of the office and softly closed the door. "So, what did he say?" Fuery asked.

"Well, he didn't exactly say anything. He was sleeping."

"Good enough for me! Come one, Al!"

*0*

Military issued boots clacked on the floor as First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye went to the billboard for any announcements. One caught her eye. 'Cat Adoption Center!' Pictures of cats flooded the paper, hand drawn. She grabbed a flyer and went toward the address it directed. This just smelled trouble.

*0*

Even though the janitor's closet was tiny, who knew it fit so many kittens! They were just so adorable! The way their whiskers moved when their button noses twitched, when they rubbed up against your leg, or napped in your lap… Al just loved cats.

But he felts as if his dreams were being crushed when the door cracked open.

Fuery answered it. "So you've seen our flyer up on the- HAWKEYE?"

As much as Al loved the Lieutenant, this wasn't a good time for her to be there. As cats mewed all throughout the closet, she sighed. "How many cats have you two collected?"

Al blushed, or as close as a body of armor could. "Well, according to our numbers, around 45…?"

"45? How would you find all of these cats a home?"

"We thought everyone would just come in and buy them!" Al whispered, nervous and embarrassed.

"I can expect that out of you, Alphonse, but really Fuery?" Hawkeye pressed her fingers to her forehead. Fuery blushed. Al felt sympathy for him. It could only take someone oblivious to realize that Fuery had a full-blown crush on the woman in front of them scolding the two.

"S-…Sorry, Lieutenant. We'll, uh… take the cats back out now…" She nodded and walked out.

"It must be hard," Al commented, taking some of the felines in his arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Having a crush on her."

Fuery's blush became more evident. He was suddenly interested in the flame colored tabby with green eyes. They had named him Fiery Star. "What! I… I don't…"

"Fuery, I might be a kid and all, but… I've seen Ed and Winry for so many years; it's easy for me to see when someone has a crush on another." They walked outside, and it wasn't raining anymore. The sky was a little outcast, some sun peeking out. They lowered the cats.

"Oh…"

*0*

The slam of a door woke Roy from his sleep, and his dream of Hawkeye in a miniskirt.

Sadly, he realized it was only a dream when he saw the woman mentioned, and in pants, tap her shoe impatiently. "What do you have to explain for Fuery and Alphonse putting up an adoption center for cats they found on the street?"

"Fuery and Al built an adoption center for cats they found on the streets?" As soon as those words left his lips, he knew he was screwed.

"Colonel, get a grip! Don't tell me you were sleeping!"

"All right. I wasn't sleeping."

"You're lying."

"Yeah, but you told me to say it!"

"That didn't mean you had to say it, sir. Now get back to the paperwork. And if you fall asleep again, I'll make sure you'll never be able to have that miniature Roy Mustang you've always wanted."

"…" Roy looked at the paperwork. _Wow! This sure does look interesting…_

**Damn! I made this before my three day weekend was over? That was around a week or two ago! Sorry, guys.**

**R&R! :D **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello, and welcome back! You know when you're just sitting on the couch, munching on Doritos, and BAM, you get a good idea? Well, this is one of those times.**

**Disclaimer: Psssh, only in my dreams.**

**A/N: Hughes IS alive in this story.**

Every Tuesday and Thursday at 5:30 P.M., two military officers would disappear for two hours. This was Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, and General Frank Grumman. Why would both of them magically go away at the same time, you may ask? Well, they had formed a club. The R.A.R.W.G.M.S.A.H.L.O.C.L.M.M.R.A., also known as the 'Roy and Riza will get married someday and have lots of cute little mini Mustangs running around!' club. It was a secret organization only certain people could know about- mostly so the two purposes for the group wouldn't be found out. Right now, there were only two members, but they were trying to gather information. And with Grumman being the grandfather of one and Hughes the best friend of the other, it was perfect.

As you know (or should know), one of their important meetings were being taken care of now. This, my friends, was the first meeting of the R.A.R.W.G.M.S.A.H.L.O.C.L.M.M.R.A. Incorporation. Sounds fancy, right? That's why the 'incorporation' is in there.

Maes Hughes, one of the founding fathers, folded his hands and looked at the General. "So, you've joined the R.A.R.W.G.M.S.A.H.L.O.C.L.M.M.R.A. Why exactly?"

Grumman fingered his mustache. "I could ask you the same question."

"Easy," Maes answered, "Roy need a wife, and who's better than Hawkeye? Now, answer my question."

Grumman took a sip of his black coffee. "I want some great-grandchildren."

Maes' mouth gaped open. "_You're_ the grandfather! Roy's always saying how you're telling him to marry your granddaughter! If only he knew…" There was a knock on the door. Both heads spun to the direction of the noise.

"Enter," General Grumman answered reluctantly. The door creaked open and Lieutenant Jean Havoc walked in the door, closing it behind him.

"Oh, hey Jean! How ya' doing?" Maes questioned cheerfully.

"Well, Hughes, Mustang was wondering where you were," he said. The cigarette in his mouth slid to the other side of his lip. Hughes sighed through this nose and got out of his chair, pushed it in, and walked out with the Lieutenant.

"Bye, sir!" He waved.

(Yay, new break page! Seeing as the others don't work…)*0*0*0*0~RoyAi~*0*0*0*0*

/A couple of months and meetings later…/

Roy Mustang was rummaging around his friend's desk, trying to find a pen. He lost all of his while throwing them like darts as Ed (who was not happy to be a dartboard) and Hawkeye would surely put his severed head on a plate and show it at a haunted house if he didn't get one.

Eww. Silver plates totally didn't match his eyes. Wait, did he just say that? His adoptive sisters were starting to rub off on him…

He tried getting the scarred images of his sisters dressing him up out of his mind- something we would never tell ANYONE- and was about to grab a fountain pen when a small pocketbook fell out of the drawer. He grabbed it without thought. He opened the first cover to see 'Maes Hughes' in his familiar scrawl. A picture of his family flutter out of the cover, and Roy picked it up and slipped it back in. He almost closed it, too… Aww, why couldn't he sneak a peek at what he was doing today? I mean, he wasn't holding any secrets!

Roy flipped to that day's date and saw 'R.A.R.W.G.M.S.A.H.L.O.C.L.M.M.R.A. meeting today! 3' Never mind that creepy little doodle of a heart at the end, but what in the world was R.A.R.W.G.M.S.A.H.L.O.C.L.M.M.R.? He would have to invest in this…

Roy carried the pocketbook close to his side. It had said the place for the grouping would be in General Grumman's room. How surprising, Grumman starts a club. Last time, it had been a club about picking up military women and letting them have a 'good time'. Someone even set up a video camera in the ladies locker room. Sadly, though, he had to have surgery on his private parts because Riza shot him in them.

The lesson is, how the hell did Grumman become a general again? Roy decided for it to remain a mystery as he got to his destination. He was about to walk in when he realized something- eavesdropping would be more fun! He leaned against the door softly and cupped his ear to it.

"… really think my granddaughter should be with Roy, don't you think?" he head Grumman say.

"Of course, Franky-poo, who wouldn't?" Roy knew it was Maes the instant it had went to his eardrums.

"Hughes, don't call me that…"

"Yeah, Hughes, that was freaky." Havoc? As in, Jean Havoc, the man that worked under him? Speaking of him, they were trying to pair him up again! And what did the acronyms stand for in the club name? This was getting confusing.

"Okay, can I please go now?" he heard a feminine voice say. He recognized it so well, but it was on the tip of his tongue! It was muffled because of the door, maybe that was why.

"But you can't, Elizabeth, we have to find you a husband!"

"I'm still kind of surprised you paired your granddaughter of with Roy, you know," Havoc piped up.

"Pssh, Roy and this young lady right here are the bestest couple ever!" Hughes giggled. Damn, was that man obsessed with Roy's personal life or what?

But that wasn't the point! The girl that Grumman had been saying he should _marry_ for years was standing, or sitting, right there! All that was blocking him was wood. But should he blow his cover?

Oh, to hell with it! He burst open the door, with a huge smirk on his face, and- Wait… what was _Hawkeye_ doing there? And, so, wait, maybe…

Instead of a speech about how awesome and clever he was, an "Uhhh…" was all they heard him mutter.

"Oh, hey, Roy, wanna join our club?" Hughes asked. He smiled.

"Wait, what club?" Hawkeye glared at Hughes.

"NO CLUB!"

"Oh, Lord…" Grumman wiped his forehead with a hankerchief.

"So, uh…" Roy shuffled his feet. "You're Grumman's… granddaughter?"

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. "You never knew?"

Roy glanced over to General Grumman, who was grinning like a kids on Christmas. "So, _General…_"

"Let's talk about this later, shall we…?"

"I'm going to KILL you!" Grumman laughed and ran out the door, Roy chasing him.

"So… what happened?"

"Oh, your grandfather kept telling Roy to marry his fantastical granddaughter, aka you, and he never knew about it! Isn't that funny?"

"No."

**I feel like this is kind of a quick ending, but whatevs. Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, I do have a life. And school. And math homework.**

**R&R? :D **


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